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1. If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply
pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The
blockage is almost instantly removed.
2. A mousetrap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent
you from going back to sleep.
3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by
getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
4. Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and
nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.
5. Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the
chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f*****g thing
in the first place, you fat b******s.
6. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky.. The
following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a
thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on
the wall.
7. Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the
seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into
the bath.
8. Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your
own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of
bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
9. Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one
and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
10. X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by
drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange
place the following morning; having had your memory mysteriously
'erased'.
11. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand
closer to what you want to look at.
12. Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes
the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
13. Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the
direction of oncoming traffic.
14. Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of
lard.
15. Anorexics, when your knees become fatter than your legs, start
eating cakes again.
16. A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an
ideal coat hanger in an emergency.
17. Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest,
imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your
intended destination in the first place.
18. An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
inexpensive vibrator.
19. Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic
steroids by running a bit slower.
20. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by
simply p*ssing in the sink.
21. Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzeneggar
by buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.
22. Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of
steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat
substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know any
difference.
23. Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no
doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them
about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
24. Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo sex'. Take your
missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the
wrong name. See how long you can 'stay mounted' for.
25. Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment
always circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the
garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the
stain and check that it has gone.
26. Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames
of cartoons first, then reading the rest in a random order.
27. High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for
a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
28. Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your
windscreen, sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red
lights and driving the wrong way up one way streets.
29. Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping
your chin in a bowl of iron fillings..
30. Convince neighbours that you have invented a 'SHRINKING' device
by ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coats and parking a
JCB digger outside your house for a few days. Then dim and flicker the
lights in your house during the night and replace the JCB unseen, with a
Tonka toy of the same description. Watch their faces in the morning!
31. Have all your dumps at work. Not only will you save money on
toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.
pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The
blockage is almost instantly removed.
2. A mousetrap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent
you from going back to sleep.
3. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by
getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
4. Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and
nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.
5. Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the
chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f*****g thing
in the first place, you fat b******s.
6. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky.. The
following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a
thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on
the wall.
7. Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the
seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into
the bath.
8. Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your
own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of
bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
9. Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one
and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
10. X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by
drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange
place the following morning; having had your memory mysteriously
'erased'.
11. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand
closer to what you want to look at.
12. Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes
the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
13. Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the
direction of oncoming traffic.
14. Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of
lard.
15. Anorexics, when your knees become fatter than your legs, start
eating cakes again.
16. A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an
ideal coat hanger in an emergency.
17. Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest,
imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your
intended destination in the first place.
18. An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
inexpensive vibrator.
19. Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic
steroids by running a bit slower.
20. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by
simply p*ssing in the sink.
21. Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzeneggar
by buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.
22. Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of
steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat
substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know any
difference.
23. Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no
doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them
about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
24. Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of 'rodeo sex'. Take your
missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the
wrong name. See how long you can 'stay mounted' for.
25. Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment
always circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the
garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the
stain and check that it has gone.
26. Give comics that 'Pulp Fiction' feel by reading the last frames
of cartoons first, then reading the rest in a random order.
27. High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for
a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
28. Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your
windscreen, sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red
lights and driving the wrong way up one way streets.
29. Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping
your chin in a bowl of iron fillings..
30. Convince neighbours that you have invented a 'SHRINKING' device
by ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coats and parking a
JCB digger outside your house for a few days. Then dim and flicker the
lights in your house during the night and replace the JCB unseen, with a
Tonka toy of the same description. Watch their faces in the morning!
31. Have all your dumps at work. Not only will you save money on
toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid for it.
